What I Didn't Know

I had read many books on what to expect.  I had asked questions.  I had gone to the classes.  I thought I was well prepared.  I thought I had it all figured out.  But when those first contractions hit in the early morning hours, I suddenly realized I had no idea what I was doing.

It was in the early morning hours of September 28, 2006.  Mr. Handsome, my mom, and my mother-in-law were all sleeping soundly in our tiny two-room apartment.  I had tried to get comfortable, but that just wasn't happening.  I remembered learning in our childbirth class about different things to do to help relieve that pain from the contractions.  I was trying all of them.  But with each passing contraction they were getting more intense.  I was debating whether I should wake everyone up just yet.  This being my first pregnancy, I wasn't for sure if this was "the real thing" or not.  I had already gone to the hospital twice in false labour.  The last thing I wanted was to go again only to be sent home, again.  But really, I knew.  I knew this was it.  I was about to have a baby.  Our lives were about to change - forever.

It was now just after 7 a.m.  I had been having contractions for a few hours, and they were now closer together.  Mr. Handsome had been timing them with me for a little while when we knew it was time to head to the hospital.  We woke up our moms, grabbed our bag and headed out the door.  It was hard to walk.  I was having contractions every few minutes and couldn't even stand up straight.  We lived in the second floor of a boy's dormitory at the school where I worked and my husband was getting his master's degree.  But I couldn't take the stairs.  We got on the elevator almost full of boys headed to their first hour class.  I wish I could have taken a picture of their faces - they looked terrified that I was going to give birth right there!

We got in the car and headed to the hospital.  There was a sense of anticipation and excitement in the air.  This was it!  We got to the hospital, got all registered, and before I knew it, I was in a labour and delivery room.  Mr. Handsome was at my side, answering my every beck and call - wiping my face with a cold cloth, getting me ice chips, holding my hand when I needed it.  He likes to complain about how hard I squeezed and how much it hurt.  I have no sympathy.

I was trying to go drug free, but I just wanted some relief.  So I asked for a little something to take the edge off.  I took some Nubain and it helped me at least relax some.  And then, it was time.  I told them that I needed to push.  The room then became alive with movement.  Nurses moving in and out - turning on the heat light and getting the bed ready for our baby.  The doctor coming in getting her gown on preparing to deliver.  I remember looking at my husband, with a surreal feeling in my mind, and saying, "Honey, we are about to have a baby!"

The next 20ish minutes I did what my body was telling me to do - push with all my might.  The pain was intense.  Some of the worst I have ever felt.  I wanted that baby out and I wanted it out NOW!  The nurses that were counting to ten were getting on my nerves.  I wanted to slap them and tell them to shut up.  Mr. Handsome was right at my side, encouraging me on, telling me I was doing great.

And then, with one hearty push - the pain immediately subsided.  My baby - my firstborn emerged and let out a loud, beautiful scream.  "Its a boy!" the doctor proclaimed (we were fairly certain of this already). I was only able to hold him for a short minute as there was meconium and they had to take him to suction out his lungs to be sure he hadn't swallowed any.  During this time my husband was crying, kissing me, and telling me how proud he was of me.  Our moms were crying and saying how beautiful he was.  And I was laying there, in awe at what just happened.

It was only a few minutes before he was cleared and our Little Handsome was placed back in my arms.  I just stared at him, taking in every part of his face.  I looked at his hands, his fingers, his feet.  He was perfect.  Then a nurse came and helped me nurse him for the first time.  I sat there, almost in shock at what was going on.  I looked at Mr. Handsome and saw the look of utter satisfaction and pleasure on his face.  He was a father.  I was a mother.  We were so blessed.

As we sat in that hospital room, I thought of all the books I had read.  How prepared I thought I was.  But nothing could have really prepared me for what I was feeling and experiencing.  No, there was much I didn't know before this moment.

What I didn't know was how incredibly hard and painful labour was going to be.  I didn't know how it would be even a bit scary when the doctor says there was meconium and they called for the pediatrician.  I didn't know that I could be that physically exhausted, yet still having to continue on, because I was the only one who could do this.  I didn't know that I could get so annoyed with nurses who were just trying to help me.  I didn't know that I could be that hot and sweaty in an air conditioned room.

But there was much more I didn't know. I didn't know how that terrible pain I had been experiencing would be gone in an instant. I didn't know how intense a love I would feel the moment I heard that first cry, the moment I first laid eyes on my son.  I didn't know how my love for my husband would grow by leaps and bounds just seeing him hold my son - OUR son - for the first time.  I didn't know my heart could hold so much love.

And over the next few weeks, I didn't know how I could be so tired and survive on so little sleep, yet not begrudge it because it was to give care to one of the most precious things in my life.  I didn't know how protective I would become when someone wanted to hold him and I would insist they wash their hands AND use hand sanitizer first.  I didn't know how hard it would be to leave him in the care of someone else when he was just 3 months old and I had to return to work.  I didn't know how he would be on my mind day and night.  I didn't know how sad it would make me when I knew he wasn't feeling well.

September 28, 2006.  Seven years ago when Little Handsome entered this world.  I cannot believe that much time has already passed.  There was so much I didn't know then.  And there is still so much I don't know now.

But I do know this - I would never ever change those seven years with him in our lives.  Yes, our lives changed forever.  But so much for the better.  Since then my love for our baby boy has grown beyond words.  I can't find any words to adequately express how I feel about him.  I thank God every single day for my son.  Happy Birthday, Little Handsome.  I am so blessed to be your mommy.

Until next time....